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Some people change their minds about sex, or their libidos want it eventually, even when their stubborn brain doesn't. For almost four years after he died, I was one of those very people described above, who felt nauseous and sickened by the very idea of "someone else." For four years, I did not date. The pain and the realness of him being dead, overwhelmed any "turned on" feelings, and I would stop. For a long time, I didnt like it when anyone touched me. It breaks my heart into a billion pieces to speak of it, because I miss him every day. When I returned from Tampa in mid-March, my heart was hurting. It just felt like yet another person who chose to leave me behind again. I got back on the dating sites, and soon after, met a great guy. He cried in front of me while talking about his 2 sons being proud of him for a recent accomplishment. We kissed in a barn with donkeys and chickens watching. Flirting and chatting and accepting words from men who want to call me sexy or beautiful, or who spend time talking with me online, or on a phone call, where we make each other feel really nice and then continue on with our friendship. But until it finds me, my heart has been damaged, my wings are torn, It hurts to fly. Others have trouble doing that, because when they go there, they think about their husband, who is now dead, so it kind of kills the mood. Why do I feel the need to talk about all of this today, right now, in this moment? Six years since the life I knew ended, and this uninvited one began. Self-love did nothing except make me depressed, because every time I tried, my heart would start thinking about being with my husband. I dont know what happened between us, why it fell apart. I cant make him be my friend, but I can still have hope that he will reach out to me again, and that I can hear his voice, and sigh. We bonded over our different experiences in life with trauma and loss. We had breakfast together at a mom and pop little local place, where everyone knew him. I dont know what it is, but I can tell you that while Im waiting for the next great love to appear in my life, Im having a lot of fun. Some people don't have sex or want sex again after their loss. Because I know the reality that he is never coming back. Because the fear of being alone forever, and never feeling great love again, is now greater than the fear of having my heart broken into tiny little piece that shatter into oblivion. I wanted to be alone with the thoughts of my husband, and if I could no longer feel his hugs, then all hugs were nothing. It felt like it was coming from my husband, like he wanted me to have this person in my life, so that we could help and support each other. My self-esteem took a hit, and my walls went back up, into protection mode. Im trying to not get hurt, and the fact is, I will probably get hurt many more times. That I waited five years before I slept with someone.

If they go unchecked, they will keep you from the intimate relationship that could rock your world.◊♦◊In my TEDx talk, I spoke about the “tootsie pop” layers that used to surround my heart. I developed those guards because of past heartbreak and failed relationships. The fear of getting hurt again was the main reason I married ‘safe’, a decision that turned out to be far from the ‘safe’ loving relationship I yearned for.

" Don't date someone who claims to be a Christian but doesn't live it. "What I meant was that you are not to keep company with anyone who claims to be a brother Christian but indulges in sexual sins, or is greedy, or is a swindler, or worships idols, or is a drunkard, or abusive.

Don't even eat lunch with such a person." Avoid dating people who have a bad temper. "Now here is a command, dear brothers, given in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ by his authority: Stay away from any Christian who spends his days in laziness and does not follow the ideal of hard work we set up for you." Inner beauty counts the most. "May God who gives patience, steadiness, and encouragement help you to live in complete harmony with each other—each with the attitude of Christ toward the other." Date someone who encourages you and is supportive. "Is there any such thing as Christians cheering each other up? Does it mean anything to you that we are brothers in the Lord, sharing the same Spirit? Then make me truly happy by loving each other, working together with one heart and mind and purpose. For I admit my shameful deed—it haunts me day and night." Second, Ask forgiveness for your sin—God says you can start over again. "Sprinkle me with the cleansing blood and I shall be clean again. And after You have punished me, give me back my joy again.

It’s hard to believe that two full years have gone by since Sheryl Sandberg suddenly lost her husband Dave Goldberg.

But she’s continued to serve as an advocate for gender equality, and for living life with strength and determination.




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